nov ninth

birthday’s always put me in my feels. specifically, the night before my birthday makes me feel a little crazy. as insane as it sounds, given my big family and lovely friends, I always get a little scared that everyone is gonna forget my birthday or not want to celebrate with me. this is completely irrational but I still can’t get those thoughts out of my head. leaving behind another year makes me feel like time is escaping from me.

I’m sitting at my kitchen table, after I spent hours today scrubbing it, because that made me feel in control. I’m savoring my last two hours before my birthday, my last two hours as a twenty year old.

twenty kicked my ASS. I lost two of my best friends at the start of this summer. I got my heart shattered (over and over again) by a boy. I don’t remember much of spring semester because of crippling depression.

today i saw one of my favorite friends from freshmen year. except we aren’t friends anymore. also today, i got a LinkedIn email suggesting I connect with one of my childhood best friends. an important childhood friend that isn’t in my life anymore. this hurts. losing people is the worst and I feel like Im particularly incapable of getting over friends.

twenty forced me to grow in a lot of uncomfortable ways. I changed ALOT this year, and mostly for the better. i squashed my low self esteem, started actually liking myself, and decided to respect myself.

twenty had my highest highs too. I started my photography business, had the most amazing summer where I found a lot of healing, I fell in love with my faith again, and I deepened a lot of the relationships in my life.

I got to travel, TWICE, for my business. I thrifted a lot of cute clothes and listened to music id never experienced before. I shot a lot of live music, watched a million tik toks that made me laugh so hard, went on an amazing camping trip and some of the best road trips of my life, and busted my butt at my serving job to upgrade my camera. I crashed my first car (well, more like someone crashed into me haha), but that gave me the opportunity to buy my dream car. I sat in Eno River and laughed and cried and had difficult conversations while floating on logs. Sammy’s and Sushi nine saw a lot of memories from awkward first dates to crazy nights out with my friends and life changing news over crazy crunchy tuna rolls.

ive made myself proud this year. even tho I’m nostalgic right now, its been a good one. cheers to life moving faster than I can keep track of and cheers to twenty-one.

xoxo,

jf

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